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A Change of Size

Updated: Apr 3, 2023

i’ve spent my life being small playing second fiddle slipping into corners leaning against walls trying desperately not to be seen heard noticed don’t mind me there’s nothing here no one to see disappear become invisible #lifegoals the church worried

about my vanity my modesty and reminded me again and again of the strange woman and the fall that follows pride it covered me under hats hid me under long skirts and high necklines my grandmother spoke her words dripping with disgust about children who had gotten too big for their britches forgotten where they came from and my mother made sure i knew attention seeking attention getting attention of any kind at any time was something to be ashamed of to avoid at all cost it was ugly unbecoming whatever praise was spoken of me by human lips whatever applause was given to me by human hands should simply (and immediately) be deflected and offered up to god as my former husband used to say: we are, after all, only unprofitable servants made of dust worms let’s pause here my beautiful young daughter once spoke those same sad words to me echoing what she had heard i’m just dust, mom she said my heart broke and my pen moved: i am dust, she says eyes downcast the weight of preacher-words thick on her shoulders look at me, i say gently lifting her chin stardust, honey you are stardust this earth is a star and its light-filled daughter you are let’s return i’ve spent my life being small but recently i have heard the call of the tulip poplar tree saying to me get bigger, amanda get bigger so i breathe drop in look see: an angel a dragon a creator being who has spoken worlds into existence who flies who sings i stretch my arms and touch stars i expand and find myself outside the bounds of time and space beyond the edges of the universe in a limitless place get bigger, amanda

i am I AM


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